ok, so admittedly these kinds of list often times makes me wanna literally roll my eyes by snatching them from out of my face and rolling across my office floor. why you ask? well because they are often times generic, i mean really generic and they seldom, if almost NEVER mention the institutional systems that socialize us into hating ourselves.

does this list have things that are useful? sure, but you can find these “tips” in any inspirational mariah carey song. hey mimi, you know i love you gurl! so read the article because it does provide some surface shit and sometimes we need that. no judgement. however, i don’t believe that anyone’s unhappiness is entirely because of “simple” reasons. so here is our list:

1. systematic homophobia:
we live in a world that teaches us every gawd damn minute that there is something wrong with us and that our pleasures and desire for each other is a sin. we as gay and queer men have to intentionally work to unlearn that shit - and it ain’t easy. it is a lifetime of work that can be fuckin’ exhausting. so much so that we sometimes do not have the energy to simply be “happy.” we are “simply” trying to sustain a small piece of happy.

2. systematic racism
chyle, when i was a young queen, i got teased by all the kids in the school yard. i couldn’t wait to grow up and be around other queens because queens wouldn’t tease each other. i thought being with other queens would be the equalizer. chyle, i gagged once i found out that shit isn’t true. yes, the other queens didn’t call me “faggot” (well not in the way the school yard kids did, anyway) but i have been called “spic,” “hood rat,” “wet back” and “cha cha queen.” i learned early on that mainstream gay culture reinforces the same racist and classist bullshit that is in the fabric of american culture. calling that shit out or learning to live and “be” in spite of that takes work. so much so that we sometimes do not have the energy to simply be “happy.” we are “simply” trying to sustain any kind of happy.

3. AIDS stigma
although we are over 35 years into the AIDS epidemic, latino and black gay me continue to be disproportionately impacted. of course, this is because a myriad of reasons. but one major reason is stigma. how many of us have had a friend, family member or human say, “cool, you’re gay? i support you. don’t get AIDS.” this ultimately impacts how we experience sex. so some of us become secretive about how we fuck, who we fuck and when we fuck. so we begin to associate sex with secrecy and shame. this is dangerous because when someone us test positive for HIV, we often times feel like we have failed ourselves and our loved ones. they told us to “not get AIDS” and we didn’t even listen. we internalize this shame and it tricks us into believing that we are not good enough. so we hide. we say mean things to keep us in hiding. some of us even say to younger queens “don’t get AIDS.” so the shame and secrecy of AIDS becomes stigma. it takes love, support and an entirely new internal conversation with yourself to unlearn all of the terrible things were are taught. so much so that we sometimes do not have the energy to simply be “happy.” we are “simply” trying to sustain some kind of happy.

4. violence
yes, we have come a long way from where we once were. but for some of us, walking down the street puts us at risk for getting teased, taunted and attacked. hell, we can’t even sleep without the threat of someone pouring hot water over our bodies. shit is beyond real and while we may have been born this way, we live in a world that wishes that we weren’t. man, we live in a country that experiences those of us who are queer and undocumented as a “dangerous” combination. being prepared to defend ourselves at any given moment is hard and taxing. so much so that we sometimes do not have the energy to simply be “happy.” we are “simply” trying to stay out of harm’s way.

so yeah, that is our short list. while it is daunting this is what i know - we are magic. we are fuckin’ magical! happiness, much like self-esteem, is always in flux. some days are going to be easier than others. that is ok. not being able to be or feel “happy” does not mean we have failed. we are beating the odds every day. romanizing happiness alone will not make us happy. happiness found in those fleeting moments when you are with your good-good girlfriends laughing so hard that you piss on yourself. it is found when you are going to war and find that muthafuggahs got your back! it is found when we feel, know and believe that this world was made for us too.

MarShawn said “a good conversation will carry them for a lifetime.”

then allow our words to be something that can suspend gravity, illustrating and making it so that it feels like we are levitating above it all - if just for a moment.

let our words today be a foundation for those of us who crawl on our bellies to meetings and rallies because are bellies are collapsed from the lack of feeding our souls deserve on a daily.

let the words we choose today remind us that we don’t need to hurry the fuck up - all the time. let them remind us that there is time to breathe and brake and forsake every fuckin’ thing!

let the words we choose carry us to each other so that we can fall into the arms of each other. let these words remind us that there will be quakes and thunder, we will fall under but not alone - not this time and not on our watch.

let our words declare that we DO NOT move without tending to scars.
we DO NOT love without mending our hearts.
we DO NOT live without frustration of how far we still have to go.

so let our words carry them, carry us for a lifetime.

oh MarShawn, rest well.

when we started to the gran varones project, we never imagined that the outcome would be a documentary film. in the winter of 2013, with a no money, a few iphones, a flip cam and a shoddy microphone, we began interviewing gay latino men from north philadelphia for a portrait photography project. our goal was to raise the voices of gay latino men in philadelphia telling our stories, the stories that often times get left out of the lgbtq narrative.

in just a few months, we quickly amassed about 20 hours of film. we knew we had to do something with the footage so we decided to download an editing program, and learned how to use it as we edited the footage. The final product is a 55 minute documentary of latino gay men courageously sharing their stories and experiences.

the “our legacy is alive” documentary is a reminder that we must tell our stories. the stonewall movie is a sobering truth that if we do not tell and share our stories, no one will. we hope that you are inspired by the film to share yours . we hope that this film serves as proof that our stories can heal and brief life in our communities right here, right now. our legacy is alive.

project coordinators:

louie a. ortiz-fonseca

anthony leon

sean laughlin

this film and project are dedicated to the courageous varones who have so generously shared their stories in effort to raise our voices.

special thanks: gloria casarez, brent morales, charlotte sahadeo, erika amiròn niz, nikki lopez, elicia gonzales, jaymie campbell, kira manser, samantha dato, raices culturales latinoamericanas, concilio taller puertorriqueño and everyone who has supported the making of this film and project.