happy father’s day to all varones. those who are raising and nurturing. those who are guiding and leading. those who are passing along family traditions while expanding what our familia looks like. we celebrate and salute you on this day.
¡feliz día de los padres!
photo: karlos nuñez & david agosto with their lovely daughter natalia.
photographed by: louie a. ortiz-fonseca
RECALLING ONE OF NORTH PHILLY’S FIRST LATINX QUEER NIGHTS
Louie: So how are you holding up?
Ricky: It’s been hard. I knew many people lost in the attack at Pulse. I knew them through my days as a club promoter. Ya know, when we go clubbing we go everywhere. That’s why I Travesura was important to me.
Louie: Yes, Travesura was lit! One of the first Latin Queer nights in North Philly. In a North Philly straight bar too!
Ricky: We had to. Latinos like you and me are able to go downtown and be in those other spaces. We had to learn that shit because how else would we have survived the 90’s. We old, gurl. (LOL) But seriously, I saw how they looked at other Latinos from North Philly. They looked at them with disgust because they didn’t “fit” in with the downtown culture. They didn’t want to interact act with them or even acknowledge them. That pissed me off.
Louie: Is that what inspired you to start Travesura?
Ricky: Well actually, it was started by DJ Chill Will and DJ Who? They started having Travesura nights at some bar in North Philly. After maybe like the first two events, they reached out to me to be the face of it. I had just moved back to Philly and was getting my life together but I agreed. I knew it would help build a stronger connection for and with the Latino gay community. I also wanted to be a part of a something that would accept all of us no matter how we presented or how we acted. And believe me, those nights at Travesura were lit as hell. People fought and argued. There was enough drama to go around but it brought Latinos from South Philly up to North Philly. And you saw Latino gays meeting other Latino gays for the first time. A lot of them are still friends. Soon we took the party to Delaware because just like Philly, there wasn’t a place for Latino gays there. It was like over 5 years ago since we stopped but I remember it like it was yesterday.
foto courtesy of Ricardo Melendez. Travesura Latino Queer Night in Philly
Louie: Do you think you will return to promoting Latin
nights again?
Ricky: Yes. I actually just spoke to Lady LaBelle last week because she is trying to do Latin Nights with Drag Shows in North Philly. She wants to team up. Now it is even more important that we do this, ya know. We need it. There is a disconnect in our community now. Everyone just stays in North Philly and go to straight bars with their cousins. Or they have house parties. Yeah, we go to Woody’s on Thursdays for their Latin night but you won’t hear our music. It’s mainly English music. So me Lady LaBelle talked and decided to put aside our differences and try to make this work. She and I are both crazy but we are both dedicated to our community. So I will keep you updated.
foto courtesy of Ricardo Melendez. Travesura Latino Queer Night in Philly
“Yes, this tragedy has impacted our entire queer community. And yes, in these critical times we must find every bridge that connects all of our oppressions, but we must do this without reinforcing erasure of Puerto Ricans, a community that continues to be colonized by the U.S. Puerto Ricans continue to be migrants in their own country, and while many of us are not fleeing the island because of violent dictatorship, some come to the mainland seeking solace and refuge from an island that has been and continues to be pillaged by white supremacy.” - Louie A. Ortiz-Fonseca, Creator of Gran Varones
“untitled”
The floors have been painted,
But it was not by choice
This room was not in need of renovation
This room was filled with innovation
Masterpiece after masterpiece
What an exhibition of artistry
Yet hate brought his concept of interior design
And with it he painted the dance floor red
With his bullets
He destroyed priceless works of arts
Oh beautiful earthen vessels shattered in pieces
Hidden treasures
The world had yet to behold you
In all your splendor
Rumbling in the distance
Are the sounds of the steps of many
Which took the road less traveled
So that we could enjoy our liberty.
WE are not sick nor diseased
WE are strength, WE are bold
Damn it, WE own everything
Written by: Efrain Gomez, Philadelphia
Louie: Thanks for taking the time to meet with me today. I think this our first time ever chatting in person.
Jay: Is it?
Louie: Yes. I remember seeing you at Shampoo Night Club but we never really talked.
Jay: Oh I remember those days. Too bad they closed it, right?
Louie: Yes. I used to get my dance on in that damn velvet room. So where in Philly did you grow up?
Jay: I grew up in northern liberties neighborhood which back then it didn’t have that name.
Louie: Yes! I grew up around there too before all the Ricans were pushed out.
Jay: My upbringing was awesome I experienced how a Latino American can enjoy living in the early 80’s enjoying the culture and music both in Spanish and English. I was the oldest in my family and I wanted to become someone that didn’t exist in my family. I didn’t want to become another gay male Hispanic in the “system”, like some who come over to just live out of the government. My view of being in the United States was to fight and strive for opportunities that some of my family members didn’t have.
Louie: When did you come “out”?
Jay: I came out late when I was 27years old. It wasn’t a bad thing. My family had wanted me to come out but I was not ready. I was battling with my beliefs and the person who I was.
Louie: What is one thing you regret?
Jay: The one thing I regret doing is leaving my old job at the Public Defenders Association. I have to say it was the best job and a blessing for me.
Louie: Ya know, Mariah left Columbia for Virgin records because of the money. “Glitter” flopped and she was released from her contract. She has since said that was the first and last time she made a decision based on money. I think of that whenever I am being tempted to leave a job just for money.
Jay: I know its scary now to me because of what happened to me. Once I left, I everything went wrong and I lasted a year. I was fired for the first time in my life! The day I was fired, I left the building and rain fell on me. It was like a movie. So I headed to the bar at Woody’s to get drunk. [LMAO]
Louie: What is one thing you don’t regret?
Jay: I don’t regret being honest and blunt about things. I was told to keep my mouth shut when I was growing up. Not anymore.
Jay Ruiz, Philadelphia
Interviewed and Photographed by: Louie A. Ortiz-Fonseca
Abuelo Knows
In 2014, I was still living in Georgia and I came to spend December with my family in Miami. With almost one foot still on the bus, I met this guy, PhD student in biochemistry, total nerd (like me) and 30 seconds later we’re seeing each other. I’m staying at my abuelo’s place and I’m thinking that I’m being discreet slipping out in the evenings and “having coffee with friends” or “hanging out with friends” for a couple hours more or less every evening since getting here.
Besides me, one of my cousins is also queer. My parents’ generation was emphatic that Abuelo, our familial paragon of Latino masculinity, shouldn’t be told about this. Worried he wouldn’t take it well.
Cut to a couple weeks later and I’m not with my friend because I’m at this soirée that my mom’s boss is throwing. My parents, Abuelo and I are all there.
It’s getting late. I’m sitting next to Abuelo. We’re both well fed. Music is playing. Abuelo is working his teeth with a toothpick. And my friend texts me. I’m pulling out and messing with my phone.
Abuelo, suddenly disinterested in the toothpick says, “Can you tell that someone is calling you right now?”
“Yeah, a friend of mine is just asking how I’m doing.”
Then Abuelo asks, “Is this the same friend that you’ve been seeing in the evenings?”
I’m a little surprised by the question, but I answer truthfully, “Why yes. Yes, it is.”
Abuelo has my full and undivided attention at this point. And then he asks, “Is he nice?”
“Yes he is.”
"That’s good. I worry about you sometimes and it’s good to know that you’re with someone nice.“
Even after all this time, I’m not used to being at a loss for words. "Thanks.”
At which point, he went back to the toothpick.
Santi moved to Miami a few months ago to help take care of his abuelo, a job he lost Saturday morning when his family’s patriarch passed on. After the funeral on Sunday, which would have been Abuelo’s 100th birthday, Santi will presumably continue his other passions in photography, video and programming.
Shanti is a contributing writer and photographer for Gran Varones. He lives in Miami, Florida.
today we celebrate, honor and raise up the women who ignited the warrior spirits in varones!
Even though we fight, argue and don’t agree on everything, my mother is everything to me. After my father’s deportation she found the strength she needed to provide for myself and my sister, keep the family together and always with a smile on her face when though I know it seeing her family torn by ICE affected her just like it did me. She fought immigration to ensure that both of us received our green cards even though countless lawyers and “ experts” said it was a lost cause. She even gave me the strength I needed while we did our civil disobedience together blocking the ICE offices in Philadelphia. I would not be where I am if it wasn’t for her. Gracias mami.
- Miguel Esteban Andrade
We don’t have many photos together. Cameras were just never around and the ones that were, we never got those pictures developed. LOL But you and i would reminisce and paint pictures with our words and love. This is the first Mother’s Day I have to endure without you. I have a pain that I will never lose but your love that continues to carry me through. Thank you for my warrior spirit. Mom, I love you to the moon & back.
- Louie A. Ortiz-Fonseca
Who ran to help me when I fell, my Queen. Who would read me a book to sleep, my Queen. Who would kiss my BooBoo and tell me I will get better, My Queen. My Mothers love is like no other. Who said “I don’t care who you love, as long as you continue to love me! My Queen! She’s a magical loving person that God blessed me with. I wish her the best and full of Health. Happy Mothers Day!! iLoveYou!
- Carlos Lopez
Happy Birthday mom! Two days ago you would have been 79 years young.
It’s hard to believe that it has been only 5 months since you left us and even harder not to pick up the phone to call you and wish you a happy birthday. But today, I celebrate your life and the memories that you have created for me. To remember your laughter as we chatted about various things from the weather
I remember spending days and evenings with you. Some times we would talk, some times we would just be quiet in our own thoughts. But every night before I left your side , I told you I loved you,kiss you in your forehead and that I’d see you the next day. I remember that last night I saw you , that you gave me a kiss and a hug and a special longing look, like you were memorizing my face. I remember turning around to look at you in you'r room, wanting to turn back and not go to bed. I slept that night with a heavy heart. That night, that moment, is something that I will always remember. No words can ever express that feelings that I felt. As I looked back, I know you were saying “good-bye” to me, even though you never really said the words. It is something I will cherish all my life.
So on this Mother’s Day, mom, I want to wish you a Happy Birthday and to remember you as you were – strong, brave, loving…special.
You may be gone from this physical earth, but you live within me every day, every moment, every second.
Happy Birthday, mom….I love you te amo viejita.
- Edgar Lynn Renta Ortiz
“Yo no nací en Puerto Rico, Puerto Rico nació en mi.”
“I wasn’t born in Puerto Rico, Puerto Rico was born in me.”
- Mariposa
dear tío rubèn blades:
what up homie? so i read your interview on variety latino. your comments about the role latinos play in the current political landscape were both insightful (i am always learning from you) and hella fucked up (i learned something new about what you think about boricuas born and raised on the mainland.)
here is an except of the interview:
Variety: What role do Latinos have in what is currently happening in politics?
Ruben: Look, I am not an American citizen, I am a legal resident and residents do not allow us to vote. Yes, they want my taxes, but I can not vote. That’s the difference between a Latin American like me who resides in the United States, and people who are sons and daughters of immigrants in the United States.
this response speaks so much truth and highlights the complexities of latino identity in america. pero tío, i gotta say that you should have just stopped there but you didn’t. you went on to say:
“When Jennifer Lopez says that she is Latina, I say, ‘No, she’s from New York’, she’s as American as Trump. …You do not walk around saying that [Robert] De Niro’s Italian … Marc Anthony also, he was born in New York. There is a difference.”
SERIOUSLY!!! surely, you could have continued to make your point about the complexities of latino identity without minimizing and chipping away at the identity of boricuas, specifically a boricua woman. THAT SHIT MAKES YOU LOOK HELLA SEXIST HOMIE. to be fair, you did the same minimizing of marc anthony (who is also boricua) but you didn’t compare his identity to trump. I DON’T EVEN HAVE THE PATIENCE TO UNWRAP THE TRUMP COMPARISON because it’s friday and i am just tryna chill and drink until i blackout. but really tío? it’s like that homie? man, if you had compared the late and great selena, who was also born and raised in america and spoke limited spanish, you would have had to delete your twitter account by 8am this morning because baby, you would have read for filth!
now let me tell you why your points are hella offensive - to me at least, as a boricua. i have been in more than enough spaces with non-boricua/non-carrieban latinos, who came at my neck about because i wasn’t “latino” enough because boricuas have it “easier” than other latinos. I KNOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT THIS IS NOT TRUE but again, it’s friday and blah, blah, blah. i have also had non-carrieban latinos make fun of not just my ability to speak spanish but how all boricuas speak spanish. i imagine that this is not a surprise to you. i know that it doesn’t. you were just trippin’ yesterday.
because i love, honor and respect you and your legacy, i am gonna chalk this up to those moments when we all have when we speak faster than our brains can formulate, process and check our biases. we all have those moments and it is vital that friends, comrades and familia hold us with live while holding us accountable. this letter is just exactly that. but tío, let me also remind you and the other non-carribean latinos who stay minimizing the identity of boricuas…being boricua runs through my veins, it is in my heart and shows up in my warrior spirit so don’t come for us.
in solidarity,
louie a. ortiz-fonseca
Louie: Thank you for taking the time to meet with me on a Saturday night right before you rush to an event. So tell me about yourself?
Michael: I grew up in Hartford County, right outside of Hartford is New Britain. It’s an urban city, small city, super diverse, definitely a significant number of Puerto Ricans. My family moved from Puerto Rico to Connecticut in late the 60s, early 70s to work in the tobacco fields.
Louie: Do you remember the first time or time period you knew you were gay or queer?
Michael: The first time, I still remember this, you remember Van Damme movies? They were filled with action and this super alpha male, super masculine action figure. I remember watching those films and feeling a certain kind of way, a tingling. Now I can say, I was feeling horny, it aroused me but I obviously and didn’t have that vocabulary , that knowledge back then. I felt like body sensations, it made me feel hot. SO again, I didn’t know where this coming from, it was just happening. I used to fantasize and have these dreams where I would picture myself naked with Van Damme. And I remember feeling shame with that. This is nothing I said out loud or openly because I was scared of how that would be interrupted and what people would say about that. But I remember it was van damn. Van Damme was my “a-ha” moment.” [LOL]
Louie: So when did you first become “ok” with it or say it out loud.
Michael: The first time I told someone that I was gay, bisexual or “came out” was my best friend, Francis, I love her to death. I am still very good friends with her. She was always super open-minded, which is why I always felt comfortable with her. I have known her since high school and there were occasions when she would ask me to my face “Are you gay?” I wasn’t ready to come out . It (the question) felt very aggressive and very invasive to me, so I got pissed off and said “What the fuck are you talking about? Don’t ask me questions like that!” Again, I wasn’t ready to deal with that and I had a lot of internalized homophobia, to say the least and a lot of insecurity. But years later, we were freshmen in college; I came out to her as bisexual. Of course, I claimed bisexuality like many people do. Now as adult I understand that I claimed bisexuality as a way for me to still claim my manhood. So I can say “Hey, I find men desirable but I don’t want you to think that I am a “pussy.” I don’t want you think soy maricòn or yo no soy hombre.” All this internalized bullshit. All these ideas o masculinity that you have and you sorta don’t know what to with.
Louie: Was there a moment or an experience that inspired that shift?
Michael: And then I had my first sexual experience. It was with a stereo-typically “beautiful” woman and it felt numb. I didn’t feel anything, There was no sorta connection. It was physical and that’s it. So that was another “a-ha” moment, I was like “this is interesting. This should feel better.” And I started becoming more comfortable identify as gay. At the time, honestly speaking, I thought that I could not claim gayness or I cannot claim a gay identity unless I fuck a woman first because I was like “how would you know, Michael?” Again, the contradiction is straight men don’t say “I need to fuck a dude to know I am straight” (LOL)
Louie: Did that impact how you experienced sex?
Michael: I dated a white man and he was around my age and he was a lot more experienced than I was sexually. He had sex with men and women but claimed gay identity. So him talking to me about his own experiences openly and candidly, I knew that I could top and bottom with him. I guess I should say that I felt comfortable trying out different things. What felt natural to me at first was to top and that was fun. I think he was meeting me where I was at. After that, we started experimenting and exploring more. He topped me and I remember feeling incredibly comfortable with it. It was one of the first times that I stopped subscribing to the idea that men don’t take it up the ass and I think it was because I felt so comfortable with him. It didn’t feel uncomfortable bottoming and it certainly didn’t feel uncomfortable topping either. But that was with him. I think race, class and gender, all of this plays a role in informing sexuality and I think that informed the dynamic that him and I had. Which is a dynamic that when I date other Latinos, isn’t there. To be more specific, I have dated Latino men who are very “set” in their ways; if they’re a top, this is that that means and if they’re a bottom, this is what that means. There’s very little going back and forth. Because there is this notion that being versatile is “You’re saying you’re a top but you are really a power bottom.” There is this sorta demonetization and stigmatization of not being able to say “I like fucking and I like getting fucked.” I don’t have to choose one of the other. Of course now, years later, as an adult, expressing my sexuality and having a different understanding, I feel really comfortable and I know where that is coming from. But back in the day, I didn’t.
Louie: What would 31 year old Michael of today tell Michael back then?
Michael: The first thing that comes to mind is “Do you.” Feel good in your skin.
Understand that people are sheep. Value yourself. Ask more questions and take it one at a time.
Michael Diaz, Jackson Heights, New York
Interviewed and Photograph by: Louie A. Ortiz-Fonseca
Louie: So let’s start out with your name and what part of Philly you grew up in?
Wilmer: My name is Wilmer Sanchez and I grew up around 7th and Allegheny.
Louie: Oh, I grew up in 9th and Allegheny. It was hell but fun.
Wilmer: It was pretty good, I had a normal childhood, ya know. Running around, playing in the streets, riding bikes, or staying inside. I was an only child for 10 years then my little sister came along.
Louie: What else do you remember about growing up?
Wilmer: I always felt like I was diffident. I always felt like there was an attraction to other males. I always that something…not that something wasn’t right but that something was definitely different about me than the other boys playing basketball outside.
Louie: Did you ever talk about it with anyone?
Wilmer: No one. I always kept it to myself. I was always afraid of what other people thought but at the same time, I didn’t notice that it was written all over my face. My parents always had a feeling but I didn’t know that they had that feeling or what I was exuding to them, but no, I didn’t talk to anyone about it.
Louie: Not even a “cool” aunt?
Wilmer: No, not even a cool aunt.
Louie: When did you feel comfortable talking about it?
Wilmer: Wow, that is a great question. I would have to say when I got older, when I finally got older. During my childhood, it was always “don’t ask, don’t tell.” We didn’t bring it up, we didn’t talk about. If anybody had an inkling or any idea about it, it just wasn’t brought up and that is how we always kept it. Even though during middle school and high school, I didn’t talk about it. It was always this “swept under the rug” situation. If you figured it out then you were lucky but if you didn’t or have all the facts lined up to figure it out, you were just kinda in the air with it.
Louie: Is it still “don’t ask, don’t tell?”
Wilmer: Now everybody knows. My mother knows, my father knows, all of my family and friends know, we just don’t talk about…me and my mother, my mother has just started to open up and I can talk to her about certain things. Me and father, we still don’t. It’s like “ok” but we don’t discuss it. But my mother has been coming around recently and it feels good. My sister as well, she is 16 now and she knows, she’s not dumb. Lol
I grew up in a religious household and went to church every Sunday. Same with my grandmother - went to church all the time and I guess because of that I never came out and said anything because I probably didn’t want to disappoint them. I even had girlfriends growing up. I went through that whole faze when you gotta try to find yourself and make others believe that this is who you are and yeah, that is just what it was.
Louie: So you kissed a girl? lol
Wilmer: I kissed a girl and I liked it! But I like boys more lol
Wilmer Sanchez, Philadelphia
Photo and Interviewed by: Louie A. Ortiz-Fonseca
- louie a. ortiz-fonseca
click link in title to read an interview with gran varones creator.
Louie: It’s great to meet you. Have you checked our project?
Saul: No, show me.
Louie: Are you on instragram? I will show you.
Saul: That is nice a project for the gays. I love it.
Louie: Would you want your photo taken for the project.
Saul: Yeah, Let’s go.
Louie: What’s your name on Instagram so I can tag you when we post your pic.
Saul: Don’t judge me. lol
Louie: No I will not, I promise.
Saul: youreafaggot
Louie: I love it. Reclaiming the word.
Saul: Something like that. lol
Saul, North Philadelphia
Interviewed & Photographed by Louie A. Ortiz-Fonseca
Louie: So where in Philly did you grow up and what was it like?
Xander: I grew up in the far north east in Somerton. In that area, it was mostly Russians and Europeans, so there wasn’t much of a variety in ethnicity. Since I am a mix between Colombian and Russian, it was (and sometimes still is) very hard to find spaces and places that I could fit in. Growing up, trying to make friends was very difficult. I would get bullied because I couldn’t speak Spanish. If that wasn’t the case, I was being bullied by the neighborhood, because I looked too “exotic” to fit in. Then adding on to the fact that I am gay never really helped with my sense of belonging. I was already an outcast that would try to hide my differences JUST TO FIT IN.
Louie: When did that change for you?
Xander: It wasn’t until high school that I really felt empowered to investigate what it really meant for me to be Latino. I hung out with a few people down Erie, Tioga, and Allegheny. It’s funny because, although I knew i was an outsider, I did not feel like one. Granted I still get the same remarks of looking or speaking a certain type of way, but that is to be expected.
Louie: So you work in the community, what are your thoughts on the current landscape of Gay/Queer Latinxs?
Xander: What I think is needed most in our community is responsibility. I think it is our responsibility to take care of one another. We need to come together and show everyone that we are not just eye candy. We are more than the food we eat, and the color of our skin. We are more than a box you can check off on an application. We are beautiful and talented with a whole history that should not be shadowed by what society makes us believe. We as a community need to rise up from the ashes like our ancestors have before us.
20 years from now, when i look back I hope to see a stronger Latino community. I hope to see my community not being a statistic for the CDC. I hope to see us standing side by side to end the stigma used to bring down our community. I hope to see that we, together, have created a stronger community for all gay Latino men of all ages.
Xander Lopez, Philadelphia
Interviewed by: Louie A. Ortiz-Fonseca
