THE GRAN VARONES

Anthony: Where in Philly did you grow up?
Angel: I grew up all over the place. Originally I grew up in the Fairmount section. But then around 9 years old, my mom moved to the Northeast. So we lived near the Franklin mills mall for a while. Then I... — **Anthony:** Where in Philly did you grow up?
Angel: I grew up all over the place. Originally I grew up in the Fairmount section. But then around 9 years old, my mom moved to the Northeast. So we lived near the Franklin mills mall for a while. Then I lived in Orlando for three years between ‘04 and ‘07. Then in ‘07 I moved back to Philadelphia on my own because I kinda like hated it here. Things just weren’t working out for me. When I moved back to Philly, that is when I felt like I became an adult. I was on my own. I was doing my own thing. I finally got my own place. I felt independent. Philly is where I actually came “out”. Because for a while I was hiding who I was. I was ashamed, I was embarrassed. I didn’t want to be the way I am. Especially growing up in a church setting. So for a while I hated myself. I was just very depressed. But finally I decided to start accepting myself, when I finally realized that I am not going to change…that’s when I became my own person. That’s how I became who I am today. Yes, Philadelphia is home but it also has a special place in my heart because the community accepted me for who I am. I never felt that kind of acceptance before. So, yes Philadelphia isn’t perfect. There are issues within the community but at the same time, I am grateful for the people whom I met and the experiences that I had there because it’s molded me into what I have become today. So hopefully I am not terrible person. [LoL]
**Anthony:** How do you like here in Orlando the second time around?
**Angel:** Second time around, not so bad. I came to this city feeling very optimistic about the possibilities. I have a new attitude about what to expect when coming to Orlando. Because my first experience in Orlando wasn’t great, which is why I left. But I am a different person than I was in 2007. When I lived here I wasn’t “out”. I worked. I went home. I would play videos games and that was pretty much my life. So coming here this time around, I started off by making friends. There was one friend who I stayed in communication with, Jeff, who was with me that night at Pulse. So I reached out to him and we kinda picked up where things left off. So he showed me around downtown, took me to some clubs and introduced me to some of his friends. I was determined to enjoy the experience of living in Orlando this time around. I like Orlando. Even with everything that has happened. I like Orlando.
**Anthony:** I recently had a working lunch with someone from Melbourne, Australia and they showed me pictures of a massive vigil they had for Pulse. There were like 200,000 people there. How does that feel to get that kind of support from the world?
Angel: It’s amazing. On Facebook and Instagram, I have received messages from people from all over. People from Spain, Dubai, Australia, New Zealand, so it’s just incredible the amount of support that I have seen from around the world. Of course, within the United States, I have received messages from people from everywhere; the Midwest, the west coast, from home. You know, it’s been amazing. I’m hoping that with all the attention this event has caused, hopefully people will start to think about their actions, think about what is it that they say against the community, think about how they treat people within our community. Now people understand that we more visual now, people are more aware but it doesn’t change he fact that there are people who hate us for who we are and like that night, want to attack us for being who we are. So I am hopeful that with all the support out there will result in positive change.
**Anthony:** Do you regret moving to Orlando?
**Angel:** Believe it or not, no. Even after what happened, I don’t regret moving to Orlando. I am not one of those to say “Everything happens for a reason.” Because I don’t think everything happens for a reason. I do believe that some things happen for a reason. What happened at Pulse, I don’t necessarily think there was any good reason for that to happen, I really don’t. But the fact is that it did happen and as result, I am different person today than who I was on June 11^th. So I have to try to make the best of my life going forward.
**Angel Santiago Jr., Orlando**
*Interviewed by: Anthony Leon*
*Photographed by: Louie A. Ortiz-Fonseca*

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It is my experience for many reasons to shut trauma out of my life. On June 12^th, 49 people were murdered at Pulse Nightclub’s Latin Night, becoming America’s largest mass shooting in history. Many of the victims were Latino and gay. What had been a safe space was invaded and attacked. Many of the victims were Puerto Rican. They looked like me and my friend Vince. Naturally, I became angry and afraid. As I usually do, I subconsciously blocked those feelings and many more out of my mind. Shortly after, my best friend Louie said “let’s take a Gran Varón trip to Orlando.” I was hesitant yet ready.

We arrived on July 27^th (day after my birthday). Over a period of three days we met up with several Varones that are part of the Orlando community. When asking questions for our interviews, I was present yet emotionally detached. Their stories of bravery, resiliency, and recovery were inspiring. Each story weighed heavily on me and yet I still couldn’t connect.

Anthony interviewing Angel

That changed on our fourth day of the trip. The morning of July 30^th we traveled to Kissimmee, Florida to meet up with Jorge. Louie had met Jorge online and shared with him that we were in the area capturing and archiving stories of Latino Gay men so that our narratives (as told by us) can be shared forever. Jorge, who had been disconnected from the world, said that he indeed had a story and was ready to open up. We picked him up and what was originally supposed to be lunch turned into 24 hours. Because of our interview schedule we had to quickly leave Kissimmee after lunch and travel to Orlando to do a few interviews. We always meet people where there are at and on their time. We keep to it. Jorge was down to tag along.

Anthony interview Miguel

Jorge watched as we met up with two different Varones and gathered their interviews. He kept silent but you could tell he was processing the stories being told. After our second interview that day, I invited him to come back to our place for dinner. Again, he was down. We traveled the 30 minutes it took to get to a supermarket near the place we were staying. In that time, Louie separated with another to chat with another Varón in his car and I was with Jorge and Sean in our rental. We laughed from the heart as we told jokes, we shared the music that gets us through our roughest times (Bonnie Raitt’s “I Can’t Make You Love Me”), and told each other stories of our families. I felt a developing connection with him, one that wasn’t connected to tragedy.

Anthony interviewing Chris

After dinner, it was time to interview Jorge. He shared details of his background and of how he came to accept his identity. I then asked why he agreed to give up a Saturday and tag along with strangers trekking across Central Florida. That’s when he shared that he was with us because the universe kept him from going to his friend’s birthday party at Pulse that night. One of his friends, Rodolfo, did go to the party. Rodolfo Ayala-Ayala, 33, was one of the 49 victims of the Pulse Nightclub shooting. In that moment, I knew the story that would follow and I felt myself detaching. Jorge wouldn’t allow me to do that. He shared a joke to make me laugh and continued to share his friend’s story with courage I’ve never seen.

Anthony interviewing Franqui

I was trying to hold space for him to share his story and instead he was holding space for me. His courage, his kindness, and his smile kept me present and in touch. Because of Jorge and the others we met in Florida, I was able to begin wrapping myself around the pain I’ve felt these last few months. The news won’t report on the strength of the survivors and those impacted. But all throughout the Orlando area, we met brave people that were pushing forward.

It tears at my mind and my heart that Jorge and I almost didn’t meet. The world tries every day to pin Latino Gay and Queer men from each other when it is through our love that we grow and thrive.

I am forever grateful for meeting Jorge and the other Varones.

- Anthony Leon

Anthony & Jorge taking a selfie when they should have been eating

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Anthony: So you spent the day with us as we interviewed a few varones so you know that we start with your name and a little about your self.
Jorge: My name is Jorge Andujar. My family is originally from Puerto Rico but I was born and raised in... — **Anthony:** So you spent the day with us as we interviewed a few varones so you know that we start with your name and a little about your self.
**Jorge:** My name is Jorge Andujar. My family is originally from Puerto Rico but I was born and raised in Buffalo New York and I currently live in Kissimmee, Florida. It’s south of Orlando and I have lived here for almost 2 years.
I came out when I was 19. At the time I was working in Kailua-Kona, Hawaii and I was working for a Norwegian cruise line. I was seeing someone at the time. I was in love. It was, as you can say, my first relationship and I wanted to stay and didn’t want to come back home. I think drinking, being in that state of mind, being young and so in love made me get the courage to let my family know that I was gay. But they always knew. They accepted it. They were just waiting for me to come forward. The baggage was unnecessary for me to carry but I carried because I was afraid of being rejected. That’s why I took the job on the cruise line. I went far away as possible so I wouldn’t feel rejected. But that wasn’t the case because I wasn’t rejected. They welcomed me with open arms.
I feel not everyone can say that. I have heard stories of people whose families have not been open with them. One of my good friends who was killed in the Pulse attack, his family was not very welcoming at all. So I can see how so many people feel alone when it comes to coming out. I have to say that I have been very blessed in that aspect. I am not afraid anymore.
**Anthony:** Tell us about Pulse.
**Jorge:** I have been to Pulse many times. People weren’t afraid to go to Pulse. Pulse was not known as a dangerous place at all. Pulse was very inviting, had different environments. You didn’t have to watch the drag show if you didn’t want to even though their drag shows were very entertaining. There was an “urban” room as some would call it where they would play Hip-Hop & R&B type of music. You would have the Latino side and the English and then there was patio where there was another bar. It was just a variety. People went there to be themselves. People didn’t go there to start “stuff.” This was a place where a lot of people went to seek comfort. It was the only place besides the other gay bars where people went to be themselves without worrying about who’s watching and who you’re hiding from. Right now, people are going through not being accepted by their loved ones or by the community so this was a place to be yourself and dance all night. This is what brought people together every Saturday night, every Latin night.
**Anthony:** You mentioned your friend. Who was he?
**Jorge:** His name was Rodolfo and he was 33 years old. He was there celebrating a birthday that night and he was killed along with other friends. He was transferred to Puerto Rico. He was laid to rest in *San Germán*. He didn’t have family here. His friends here were his family. His family at home weren’t very accepting. Going back to the funeral – it’s kinda ironic because – most of the people were very old school and everyone was wearing t-shirts with his photo and a big rainbow going across. They didn’t realize that it was symbol of gay pride. They were talking about what happened and not being very accepting but yet they were wearing a rainbow on their shirt. It was a wake-up call like “people still don’t get it.”
**Anthony:** How are you holding up?
**Jorge:** I am at the point now where I am starting to open up to people, talk to people, start over and get to know people. I see people trying to come together as one and put their differences aside. Because this isn’t about who likes who, who doesn’t like who – this is about coming together as one. This is not about team white, team Black or team Latino – this is about team humanity.
*Jorge Andujar, Orlando*
**Interviewed by:** Anthony Leon
**Photographed by:** Louie A. Ortiz-Fonseca

Backstory: We met Jorge online and he invited us out for lunch. The connection was instant and he wound up tagging along as we drove around Orlando interviewing and meeting up with folks. He shared his story with us during the long ride and agreed to being interviewed on camera after witnessing the process for an entire day.

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yesterday, we shared time and space with a collective who were brought together after the pulse massacre. a group of latinx, boricuas and allies who with very little resources spend every saturday night strategizing ways to lift the voices of the queer Latinx community here in Orlando.

while driving to interview someone for the project earlier today , anthony said “if you would have told me three years ago that we would be doing gran varones work in orlando, i would not have believed you.” i agreed because i remember not being sure if people would even follow the project on instagram. but here we are - in an another city several states away doing our passion work in partnership QLatinx, a group of passionate latinx queer Orlando community members who meet every Saturday night to strategize ways to lift the voices and visibility of LGBTQ+ latinxs.

we invite you to check out QLatinx especially if you are in the Orlando area. there is so much power in projects that are built by the people for the people. we know this because our gran varones trip to Orlando would not have been possible without grassroots community support. like anthony, i had no way of imagining that when we created gran varones three years ago in my office that we would have the opportunity to meet, work, and build with so many magical warriors.

this work isn’t easy. this work will break your heart. but this work is necessary. it is in this work that healing is found and where possibility is created. and sometimes that is all we have to sustain ourselves until tomorrow.

- louie a. ortiz-fonseca

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he said “there are rainbows everywhere.” i looked around and saw that we were in fact surrounded by rainbows. the site of the bright colors is moving…at first but then you remember these rainbows are not because rain but because immense lost and pain.

i met at angel a few years back when gran varones was still an idea in development. he was one of the first varones i reached out to but the timing just wasn’t right. he asked to me reach out to him at a later time. i promised that i would.

a few weeks ago, i reached out to him. he moved to orlando last october and i was committed to keeping my promise. especially now.

yesterday, after landing in orlando, angel and i met for dinner. the connection was natural. the laughs flowed easily and freely. he told me about his new life in orlando and how he has been adapting. i listened and shared how much i try to avoid orlando because this is where my family lives. he laughed. i laughed.

he asked me “do you wanna go for a ride. i can show you downtown orlando.” i had time to pass before my GV team arrived in orlando so i said “let’s roll.” after about 15 minutes of driving and the car stopped and he looked over and said “pulse is around this corner. i want to go to the memorial. i haven’t been back there since that night. i feel like i can do it right now with someone as strong as you. will you go with me?” i immediately replied, “yes. of course.” i had two seconds to prepare my heart.

we walked over and were immediately greeted by a mother offering hugs. i gotta say, that hug sustained me because there were moments that my knees felt as if they would give way at any moment.

angel walked slowly and quietly. he began to tell me details of the people he knew and knew of. he told me about the varòn gamer and pointed to the game that a friend had left at the memorial by a picture. he talked and i listened. somehow his talking, his recounting of histories provided me a foundation in which to stand on so that i could stand with him.

angel, looking back less just than 24 hours later, i realized that i could not have made this visit to the pulse memorial without someone as strong as you. thank you for saying their names. thank you for sharing your survival with me. i love you.

- louie a. ortiz-fonseca

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sanctuary is found on the dance floor. spirits are filled and pain is paused. know that last night’s attack at pulse night club in orlando, during latino night - is an yet ANOTHER attack on all of us who have ever feared loving openly in public.

as pride month continues, remember to remember that PRIDE IS STILL POLITICAL and it is STILL NECESSARY! rage more and march harder!

we love you all so very much.

love, light and healing to everyone impacted by the pulse night club attack.

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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.