Louie: Finally chyle! Took you forever to do this?
Jonathan: I know. I have been so busy.
Louie: Yes, I know. I see you doing thangs. I am so, so proud of you.
Jonathan: Thank you.
Louie: So let’s get started. Where did you grow up?
Jonathan: I was born in NYC and when my mom split with my dad, we moved here with my step-father. I grew up in North Philly. It was challenging knowing at a young age that you were gay. I knew when I was 5. So i I used to get picked on about my weight, the way I talked, the way I walked, any little thing. All the way from elementary school to high school, were challenging years. I faced a lot of different things.
Louie: How did you know at age 5 you were gay?
Jonathan: I just had a feeling inside. I used to always hang out with the girls. I never had a connection with the boys. I used to try and force myself to play sports and try to be “macho” but I knew deep down inside, that wasn’t me. And when I was acting like somebody else, I didn’t feel like myself. It’s challenging at age 5 to think that about yourself when you don’t even know yourself. Ya know, growing up in this crazy world, we are “supposed” to act a certain way and your parents are telling you, “Stand up straight.” “Walk right!” “Stop sayin’ it like that.” You get structured to be this alpha male and you know deep down inside that’s not who you are. I had those moments when I used to battle myself about who i am and who i wanted to be.
Louie: Have you found an answer?
Jonathan: My junior year of high school. I developed a circle of friends that were very tight-knit and they introduced me to the gay scene was I was 18. Before that it was foreign. I didn’t know what it was like, what a gay club was like. At first, it was very uncomfortable seeing guys dance together or touch each other in certain ways. I never knew what that felt. I had visions in my head but I never saw it live in the flesh. So I said (to myself), “Let me develop more comfortability around this because this is the kind of environment i want to be in.”
Louie: How is Jonathan today different from that young Jonathan?
Jonathan: Wow, great questions. Jonathan now is a lot more mature and really starting to come into his own. Back then, I was lost and very insecure. I had a lot of issues around trying to define who I was really was, what kind of man I wanted to be. How do I fit into this world? What do I bring to the table? I still struggle with certain aspects of that currently but it is not as heavy as before. I was so scared because coming out as gay, I didn’t know who to turn to. I had so many questions like how do I moved forward in life as a gay man? Now, i am so comfortable with it, I am so open with it. I am very proud to be gay.
Jonathan, Philadelphia
Interviewed and Photographed by: Louie A. Ortiz-Fonseca