Louie: Thank you for taking the time to meet with me on a Saturday night right before you rush to an event. So tell me about yourself?
Michael: I grew up in Hartford County, right outside of Hartford is New Britain. It’s an urban city, small city, super diverse, definitely a significant number of Puerto Ricans. My family moved from Puerto Rico to Connecticut in late the 60s, early 70s to work in the tobacco fields.
Louie: Do you remember the first time or time period you knew you were gay or queer?
Michael: The first time, I still remember this, you remember Van Damme movies? They were filled with action and this super alpha male, super masculine action figure. I remember watching those films and feeling a certain kind of way, a tingling. Now I can say, I was feeling horny, it aroused me but I obviously and didn’t have that vocabulary , that knowledge back then. I felt like body sensations, it made me feel hot. SO again, I didn’t know where this coming from, it was just happening. I used to fantasize and have these dreams where I would picture myself naked with Van Damme. And I remember feeling shame with that. This is nothing I said out loud or openly because I was scared of how that would be interrupted and what people would say about that. But I remember it was van damn. Van Damme was my “a-ha” moment.” [LOL]
Louie: So when did you first become “ok” with it or say it out loud.
Michael: The first time I told someone that I was gay, bisexual or “came out” was my best friend, Francis, I love her to death. I am still very good friends with her. She was always super open-minded, which is why I always felt comfortable with her. I have known her since high school and there were occasions when she would ask me to my face “Are you gay?” I wasn’t ready to come out . It (the question) felt very aggressive and very invasive to me, so I got pissed off and said “What the fuck are you talking about? Don’t ask me questions like that!” Again, I wasn’t ready to deal with that and I had a lot of internalized homophobia, to say the least and a lot of insecurity. But years later, we were freshmen in college; I came out to her as bisexual. Of course, I claimed bisexuality like many people do. Now as adult I understand that I claimed bisexuality as a way for me to still claim my manhood. So I can say “Hey, I find men desirable but I don’t want you to think that I am a “pussy.” I don’t want you think soy maricòn or yo no soy hombre.” All this internalized bullshit. All these ideas o masculinity that you have and you sorta don’t know what to with.
Louie: Was there a moment or an experience that inspired that shift?
Michael: And then I had my first sexual experience. It was with a stereo-typically “beautiful” woman and it felt numb. I didn’t feel anything, There was no sorta connection. It was physical and that’s it. So that was another “a-ha” moment, I was like “this is interesting. This should feel better.” And I started becoming more comfortable identify as gay. At the time, honestly speaking, I thought that I could not claim gayness or I cannot claim a gay identity unless I fuck a woman first because I was like “how would you know, Michael?” Again, the contradiction is straight men don’t say “I need to fuck a dude to know I am straight” (LOL)
Louie: Did that impact how you experienced sex?
Michael: I dated a white man and he was around my age and he was a lot more experienced than I was sexually. He had sex with men and women but claimed gay identity. So him talking to me about his own experiences openly and candidly, I knew that I could top and bottom with him. I guess I should say that I felt comfortable trying out different things. What felt natural to me at first was to top and that was fun. I think he was meeting me where I was at. After that, we started experimenting and exploring more. He topped me and I remember feeling incredibly comfortable with it. It was one of the first times that I stopped subscribing to the idea that men don’t take it up the ass and I think it was because I felt so comfortable with him. It didn’t feel uncomfortable bottoming and it certainly didn’t feel uncomfortable topping either. But that was with him. I think race, class and gender, all of this plays a role in informing sexuality and I think that informed the dynamic that him and I had. Which is a dynamic that when I date other Latinos, isn’t there. To be more specific, I have dated Latino men who are very “set” in their ways; if they’re a top, this is that that means and if they’re a bottom, this is what that means. There’s very little going back and forth. Because there is this notion that being versatile is “You’re saying you’re a top but you are really a power bottom.” There is this sorta demonetization and stigmatization of not being able to say “I like fucking and I like getting fucked.” I don’t have to choose one of the other. Of course now, years later, as an adult, expressing my sexuality and having a different understanding, I feel really comfortable and I know where that is coming from. But back in the day, I didn’t.
Louie: What would 31 year old Michael of today tell Michael back then?
Michael: The first thing that comes to mind is “Do you.” Feel good in your skin.
Understand that people are sheep. Value yourself. Ask more questions and take it one at a time.
Michael Diaz, Jackson Heights, New York
Interviewed and Photograph by: Louie A. Ortiz-Fonseca
