Louie: Thanks for taking the time to meet with me today. I think this our first time ever chatting in person.
Jay: Is it?
Louie: Yes. I remember seeing you at Shampoo Night Club but we never really talked.
Jay: Oh I remember those days. Too bad they closed it, right?
Louie: Yes. I used to get my dance on in that damn velvet room. So where in Philly did you grow up?
Jay: I grew up in northern liberties neighborhood which back then it didn’t have that name.
Louie: Yes! I grew up around there too before all the Ricans were pushed out.
Jay: My upbringing was awesome I experienced how a Latino American can enjoy living in the early 80’s enjoying the culture and music both in Spanish and English. I was the oldest in my family and I wanted to become someone that didn’t exist in my family. I didn’t want to become another gay male Hispanic in the “system”, like some who come over to just live out of the government. My view of being in the United States was to fight and strive for opportunities that some of my family members didn’t have.
Louie: When did you come “out”?
Jay: I came out late when I was 27years old. It wasn’t a bad thing. My family had wanted me to come out but I was not ready. I was battling with my beliefs and the person who I was.
Louie: What is one thing you regret?
Jay: The one thing I regret doing is leaving my old job at the Public Defenders Association. I have to say it was the best job and a blessing for me.
Louie: Ya know, Mariah left Columbia for Virgin records because of the money. “Glitter” flopped and she was released from her contract. She has since said that was the first and last time she made a decision based on money. I think of that whenever I am being tempted to leave a job just for money.
Jay: I know its scary now to me because of what happened to me. Once I left, I everything went wrong and I lasted a year. I was fired for the first time in my life! The day I was fired, I left the building and rain fell on me. It was like a movie. So I headed to the bar at Woody’s to get drunk. [LMAO]
Louie: What is one thing you don’t regret?
Jay: I don’t regret being honest and blunt about things. I was told to keep my mouth shut when I was growing up. Not anymore.
Jay Ruiz, Philadelphia
Interviewed and Photographed by: Louie A. Ortiz-Fonseca
Louie: Finally chyle! Took you forever to do this?
Jonathan: I know. I have been so busy.
Louie: Yes, I know. I see you doing thangs. I am so, so proud of you.
Jonathan: Thank you.
Louie: So let’s get started. Where did you grow up?
Jonathan: I was born in NYC and when my mom split with my dad, we moved here with my step-father. I grew up in North Philly. It was challenging knowing at a young age that you were gay. I knew when I was 5. So i I used to get picked on about my weight, the way I talked, the way I walked, any little thing. All the way from elementary school to high school, were challenging years. I faced a lot of different things.
Louie: How did you know at age 5 you were gay?
Jonathan: I just had a feeling inside. I used to always hang out with the girls. I never had a connection with the boys. I used to try and force myself to play sports and try to be “macho” but I knew deep down inside, that wasn’t me. And when I was acting like somebody else, I didn’t feel like myself. It’s challenging at age 5 to think that about yourself when you don’t even know yourself. Ya know, growing up in this crazy world, we are “supposed” to act a certain way and your parents are telling you, “Stand up straight.” “Walk right!” “Stop sayin’ it like that.” You get structured to be this alpha male and you know deep down inside that’s not who you are. I had those moments when I used to battle myself about who i am and who i wanted to be.
Louie: Have you found an answer?
Jonathan: My junior year of high school. I developed a circle of friends that were very tight-knit and they introduced me to the gay scene was I was 18. Before that it was foreign. I didn’t know what it was like, what a gay club was like. At first, it was very uncomfortable seeing guys dance together or touch each other in certain ways. I never knew what that felt. I had visions in my head but I never saw it live in the flesh. So I said (to myself), “Let me develop more comfortability around this because this is the kind of environment i want to be in.”
Louie: How is Jonathan today different from that young Jonathan?
Jonathan: Wow, great questions. Jonathan now is a lot more mature and really starting to come into his own. Back then, I was lost and very insecure. I had a lot of issues around trying to define who I was really was, what kind of man I wanted to be. How do I fit into this world? What do I bring to the table? I still struggle with certain aspects of that currently but it is not as heavy as before. I was so scared because coming out as gay, I didn’t know who to turn to. I had so many questions like how do I moved forward in life as a gay man? Now, i am so comfortable with it, I am so open with it. I am very proud to be gay.
Jonathan, Philadelphia
Interviewed and Photographed by: Louie A. Ortiz-Fonseca
Luis: I really like this project and what you are doing.
Louie: Thank you. We need it.
Luis: Yeah, wish this was around when I was younger. Maybe I would have come out sooner.
Louie: Really? When did you come out?
Luis: After I was married with children. I was just scared. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my ex-wife. We are friendly now. I have a good relationship with her and my kids. I was just scared.
Louie: Have you been in a relationship since?
Luis: Yes. We lived together. He really wanted to make it work but I just was not in love anymore. I tried but one day I came home and said “This isn’t working.”
Louie: Are you in a relationship now?
Luis: No way! I like being alone. If it happens, it happens. Life is good now.
Luis, Philadelphia
Interviewed & Photographed by: Louie A. Ortiz-Fonseca
Louie: Finally! We got to meet. Why did you choose this area?
Joemar:
Because I grew up around here. This is my hood! They know me. I used to
sit on those steps and chill. Everyone knows me and knows that I chill.
Louie: Do you miss it?
Joemar:
Yeah. I miss my hood and I miss all my friends. I have seen some of my
friends on Gran Varones. I’m in love with your work.
Louie: Wow. Thank you.That means a lot to me.
Joemar:
Yeah, You know a lot of peoples that I do. I was like “Look at Gio! He
is my heart.” I just called him because I know he is back from Florida.
Louie: Yeah. He is my cousin.
Joemar: For real? He is my heart. I also saw people from my Travesuda days.
Louie: I only went to that club once. I loved that it was for Latinos.
Joemar:
It was poppin’! I had my birthday party there with all of my angels.
Too bad it came to an end. Anyway, I can’t wait to see my picture. Gran
Varones!
Joemar Cruz, Philadelphia
Interviewed & Photographed by: Louie A. Ortiz-Fonseca
his name was marcus. we were both in the midst of surviving the government’s barbaric assault on families who were living and struggling with crack addiction. we were still trying to love our whole selves, our blackness and queerness in the fog of shame that only kids who learned to calm their mother’s paranoia after a hit.
he said, listen to this song. it was 1996 and i was too deep into pop music to give a hip-hop song a chance. marcus said, “no. you need to listen to this. trust me.” i relented and he began to play the song. he reached out to hold my hand and my initial response was “gurl, what the hell?!” and then it hit me. the lyrics moved me emotionally and back to place i had been working so hard to run from. i suddenly knew why he was holding my hand; to keep me from drowning in pent-up emotions. i cried as i let go of much shame. he cried as he held on to my hand.
20 years later, i still cannot listen to this song without crying. it still conjures up indescribable emotions. it still moves me both literally and figuratively. it still reminds me of the power and connection children of mothers who struggled with crack addiction have.i have not spoken to marcus in years. i hope he is still surviving like i am. i hope he knows that when he decided to share this song, it fortified me. marcus,
i send you love & light - wherever you are. - louie
Louie: So we have known each other for at for over 20 years.
Angel: Yeah, we are old! LOL
Louie: Almost lol What was it like for you in the 90s?
Angel: We were coming out with respect being ourselves. We had a club called “El Bravo” and we had so much fun. Everything at that time was on the down low; very different than how it is now. We had drag shows and the locas were everywhere but no one fucked with us.
Louie: What is it like now?
Angel: But now we are who we are opening! Atrevido con respect. You know what I mean? We are out and we don’t care what people say. That’s good, right? LOL
Louie: But of course loca!
Angel: Gran Varon, I love you.
Louie: I love you too, loca!
Angel Santiago, Philadelphia
Interviewed & Photographed by: Louie A. Ortiz-Fonseca
Louie: I love that call me abuela and have my number saved in your phone with the grand mom emoji. LOL
Vince: Bendición LOL
Louie: Let’s talk about high school. Were you “out” then?
Vince: High School was actually great. I was always the kid everyone was cool with and I always respected everyone as long as they respected me. Unfortunately, during high school, I wasn’t “out” even though everyone and their mom and their grand mom knew my ass was gay. I never felt comfortable enough to come “out” even though I surrounded myself with great people, who until this day are still my great friends. But having a Pentecostal mother, I was always afraid to tell her. I’m a mama’s boy at heart and it would have been devastating if I came out to her and she didn’t accept me. I lost my dad when I was 13 and so my mother was all I had. I also had four older intimidating as fuck brothers, whom I love by the way. LOL
Louie: So you’re hella gay ass was not out in high school? LOL
Vince: But I finally came to my mom when I was like 21. I literally waited for her to ask me and she eventually did. I went to New York with my gay cousin and she knew so that triggered her to ask . She calls mind you while I’m shopping at Forever 21 (LOL) and she told me “when you get home we need to talk.” I was like, “Yes finally!” because I didn’t have the balls to tell her. So I when home, she sat my ass on the table and was like “Tu tiene algo que decirme,” which translates “Do you have something to tell me?” I replied, “What do you want to know?” We went back and forth, I swear for like a minute when I caved in and said “If you what to know if your son is gay - yes he is.” Here come the waterworks - she start crying and I start crying, very dramatic. (LOL) She tells me, “Well, you’re my son and I always love you but I can’t accept you because of my religion. I cried like a baby when she left the dining room. I was on the couch crying thinking that my mom doesn’t love me when my sister came down and hugged me. She said “Don’t worry Vince, this is something mom’s going to have to deal with. You’re an amazing person and you do nothing but good for her. She will get over it.” She made me feel so much better. My mom and I didn’t really talk for like two weeks until she came and hugged me and ask me for 20 dollars. After that it was like everything was back to normal. LOL
Louie: So you really helped to inspire my being positive. What inspired your attitude about body positivity?
Vince: When I was young, I was always the fat chubby kid ! Growing up, I did get slightly bullied. I say “slightly” because every time someone tried it, I was like “I’ll get one of my cousin or brothers to handle my battles!” LOL But I was the “fat” kid, who had the worst over bite in the world. Praise God and the miracle of braces! Dios gracias! LOL Puberty hit, the braces came off and I had a beard and a job while I was high school. I could finally buy what I wanted. I was still the “chubby” kid but I was now the “chubby” kid who dressed cute. But to not make it a whole long as story! Of course everyone has their insecurities but I’ve learned on my own that you have to love yourself with every flaw and “chichos” (love handles) you have! Find any moment to be who are and stay humble - keyword “humble.” No one likes someone who thinks their superior to everyone else!
Louie: You’re Colombian, right? What was like growing up in a city that predominately Puerto Rican? Be careful how you answer – I am Puerto Rican. LOL
Vince: Yeah, I’m full Colombian but my father that raised me isn’t – he was Puerto Rican. So, actually growing up with Puerto Ricans was awesome. I even speak like Rican! LOL Their crazy and loud but have always there for me even knowing that I wasn’t really my dad’s son. No one ever told me until I was 14, after he passed. I always had a feeling that he wasn’t but I always believed that your father is the man who raises you! Biological or not.
Louie: Do you know any other gay Colombians?
Vince: No. I don’t know any. If you know any let me know. LOL
Vince Cintron, Philadelphia
Interviewed & Photographed by: Louie A. Ortiz-Fonseca
Louie: Look at you! You look so damn grown!
Roberto: Because I am! LOL
Louie: It’s the beard! So how are you liking Los Angeles? How long have you been out here?
Roberto: I have been out here for five years. Things are finally falling into place and I love it. I love it out here.
Louie: What made you move out here?
Roberto: I needed a change. I came out here to visit a friend of mine and I really liked it. My bae lost his job and it just felt right. I woke up one morning and said “Let’s do it.” I bought my tickets and said “Bye Philly.” LOL
Louie: Oh yeah, I do remember you just quitting your job and being like “Deuces!” LOL
Roberto: Yeah, it just felt right and I don’t regret it. When are you moving out here?
Louie: Um, I’m good. I would rather visit. LOL
Roberto Vicente, Los Angeles
Interviewed & Photographed by: Louie A. Ortiz-Fonseca
Louie: So let’s start out with your name and what part of Philly you grew up in?
Wilmer: My name is Wilmer Sanchez and I grew up around 7th and Allegheny.
Louie: Oh, I grew up in 9th and Allegheny. It was hell but fun.
Wilmer: It was pretty good, I had a normal childhood, ya know. Running around, playing in the streets, riding bikes, or staying inside. I was an only child for 10 years then my little sister came along.
Louie: What else do you remember about growing up?
Wilmer: I always felt like I was diffident. I always felt like there was an attraction to other males. I always that something…not that something wasn’t right but that something was definitely different about me than the other boys playing basketball outside.
Louie: Did you ever talk about it with anyone?
Wilmer: No one. I always kept it to myself. I was always afraid of what other people thought but at the same time, I didn’t notice that it was written all over my face. My parents always had a feeling but I didn’t know that they had that feeling or what I was exuding to them, but no, I didn’t talk to anyone about it.
Louie: Not even a “cool” aunt?
Wilmer: No, not even a cool aunt.
Louie: When did you feel comfortable talking about it?
Wilmer: Wow, that is a great question. I would have to say when I got older, when I finally got older. During my childhood, it was always “don’t ask, don’t tell.” We didn’t bring it up, we didn’t talk about. If anybody had an inkling or any idea about it, it just wasn’t brought up and that is how we always kept it. Even though during middle school and high school, I didn’t talk about it. It was always this “swept under the rug” situation. If you figured it out then you were lucky but if you didn’t or have all the facts lined up to figure it out, you were just kinda in the air with it.
Louie: Is it still “don’t ask, don’t tell?”
Wilmer: Now everybody knows. My mother knows, my father knows, all of my family and friends know, we just don’t talk about…me and my mother, my mother has just started to open up and I can talk to her about certain things. Me and father, we still don’t. It’s like “ok” but we don’t discuss it. But my mother has been coming around recently and it feels good. My sister as well, she is 16 now and she knows, she’s not dumb. Lol
I grew up in a religious household and went to church every Sunday. Same with my grandmother - went to church all the time and I guess because of that I never came out and said anything because I probably didn’t want to disappoint them. I even had girlfriends growing up. I went through that whole faze when you gotta try to find yourself and make others believe that this is who you are and yeah, that is just what it was.
Louie: So you kissed a girl? lol
Wilmer: I kissed a girl and I liked it! But I like boys more lol
Wilmer Sanchez, Philadelphia
Photo and Interviewed by: Louie A. Ortiz-Fonseca
My name is Yagnaram Ramanuja Dasan but I also go by Ricky. Yagnaram is my religious name. I am 23, Puerto Rican and I grew up in the Olney section of Philadelphia. I also spent a lot of time in the Fairmount section with my grandmother. So I got to experience two very different neighborhoods at the same time.
Louie: What high school did you go to?
Yagnaram: I went to an all-boys Catholic School.
Louie: Oh.
Yagnaram: I grew up as a very devout child so I really didn’t mind getting religion in school and I liked it. It was really only until high school when I was really getting a sense of my identity and who I was as queer person, All of that really kinda started to weigh down on me. Especially towards the latter end of high school because I was “outed” and I was experiencing bullying and harassment like all the time, so it was a really hard experience.
Louie: What was the response you experienced at school?
Yagnaram: I had a mixed bag of reactions. There were some teachers who supported me but they had to be really, really be hush hush about it and they couldn’t openly support me. Whereas other teachers were very much like “this is a sin and you have to stop.” I had some friends were also gay and who supported me and had my back whenever they saw me getting harassed but it was a really small group of kids and we had to find community in that kind of hostile place. We called ourselves the “secret society.” There were about 5 other boys and when we would down the halls, we’d look out for each other
Louie: How do you discover Hinduism?
Yagnaram: So when I coming out, I was also starting to search for a place spiritually because I really started to feel at odds with the (catholic) church. And eventually in high school I became a Hindu because I so much inspired by Hinduism. It just really started to speak to me and it was also really queer affirming. That was also resonating with me. It was something my parents were opposed to on both fronts because it was like “You’re gay and you got this weird religion thing going. What is that?”
Louie: Has that changed?
Yagnaram: As time has gone on, they have become more accepting of my faith than they are about my sexuality, which is really, really weird for me. I am not entirely sure why that is. But they are far more comfortable asking me questions about my faith than they are about meeting a guy that I am dating. That is not even a possibility for them but they’ll ask me about what I believe and what I do when I go to worship.
Interviewed & Photographed by: Louie A. Ortiz-Fonseca