maybe i am not woke as fuck.

if that means having to read 
every op-ed posted on facebook
written by mostly grad school educated folks
who use words that i have to google,
then maybe i am not woke as fuck.
 
if it means that my real life experiences
will be reduced to particles
if my responses to said articles
do not meet the king’s english
then maybe i am not woke as fuck.

if it means having to explain,
demonstrate and prove the pain
of hiv positive latino gay men
who are still forced again and again
to live in secrecy,
while processing that shame in secrecy,
then maybe i am not woke as fuck.
 
if it means that i have to burn sage over lighting blunts,
or sipping wine instead of long island iced teas to heal,
to chill or to fill a space in me
that continues to be peeled away by ridicule,
then maybe i am not woke as fuck.

if it means that i can’t sing along
at the top of my fuckin’ lungs
as i hit the quan
then maybe i am not woke as fuck.

if it means that i have to disregard
and pick apart varones 
who are not always equipped
or have the words to articulate
their contribution to the revolution
because breathing and surviving 
oppressive institutions
isn’t impressive for some of us,
then maybe i am not woke as fuck.
 
if it means that i have to recite quotes 
and passages from books
celebrated and hailed by the “movement”
over my ability to quote and spit lyrics
from my fave mariah and nicki song,
then maybe i am not woke as fuck.

if it means having to choose
my politics over sucking dick
and having to present as masculine
then maybe i am not woke as fuck.

if it means using “movement” terms
only to prove that i have learned
that words matter only when popping off
or creating a spectacle
but NOT being impeccable with my word.
then yes, maybe i am not woke as fuck.
 
if it means just speaking about social justice action
but never following it up with action
beyond the traction of my finger tips on keyboards
to eloquently write out my thesis for freedom
that my mother cannot read,
then yes, maybe i am not woke as fuck.
 
if it means that my ego 
is the only fragile thing that matters
over safer spaces used as bait to shatter
the teeth of those who are tricked into the belief
that a college degree
will add weight to the very necessary things 
that should be spoken,
then maybe i am not woke as fuck.
 
if it means only feeling comfortable sitting on panels
because i can’t handle sitting on porches and stoops
because of how i speak the “truth” 
stopped being accessible
to folks i “speak” for but not speak to,
then nah, maybe i am not woke as fuck.
 
if it means that i have to police the grammar
of the same people i fight for and write for
just so academics can celebrate my work –
then nah, maybe i am not woke as fuck.
 
if it means celebrating those 
who have chosen to get arrested
while shaming those of us who live 
in arrested development
because of the complexities of our trauma 
isn’t as beautiful and dutiful 
as a five-noun political identity
then, maybe, i am not woke as fuck.
 
if it means having to choose between
raising my fists over raising my kids,
because loving son my with all i have
isn’t a trending hashtag,
then no, maybe i am not woke as fuck.
 
if it means overthinking
until i am on the brink of losing connections
from the people who provide me oxygen,
then nah, maybe i am not woke as fuck.
 
if it means that being a leader
requires me to be a constant bleeder
teetering on the edge of insanity to prove
to the next “woke as fuck” muthafucker
that i myself am woke,
then nah, maybe i am not woke as fuck.