ok, so admittedly these kinds of list often times makes me wanna literally roll my eyes by snatching them from out of my face and rolling across my office floor. why you ask? well because they are often times generic, i mean really generic and they seldom, if almost NEVER mention the institutional systems that socialize us into hating ourselves.

does this list have things that are useful? sure, but you can find these “tips” in any inspirational mariah carey song. hey mimi, you know i love you gurl! so read the article because it does provide some surface shit and sometimes we need that. no judgement. however, i don’t believe that anyone’s unhappiness is entirely because of “simple” reasons. so here is our list:

1. systematic homophobia:
we live in a world that teaches us every gawd damn minute that there is something wrong with us and that our pleasures and desire for each other is a sin. we as gay and queer men have to intentionally work to unlearn that shit - and it ain’t easy. it is a lifetime of work that can be fuckin’ exhausting. so much so that we sometimes do not have the energy to simply be “happy.” we are “simply” trying to sustain a small piece of happy.

2. systematic racism
chyle, when i was a young queen, i got teased by all the kids in the school yard. i couldn’t wait to grow up and be around other queens because queens wouldn’t tease each other. i thought being with other queens would be the equalizer. chyle, i gagged once i found out that shit isn’t true. yes, the other queens didn’t call me “faggot” (well not in the way the school yard kids did, anyway) but i have been called “spic,” “hood rat,” “wet back” and “cha cha queen.” i learned early on that mainstream gay culture reinforces the same racist and classist bullshit that is in the fabric of american culture. calling that shit out or learning to live and “be” in spite of that takes work. so much so that we sometimes do not have the energy to simply be “happy.” we are “simply” trying to sustain any kind of happy.

3. AIDS stigma
although we are over 35 years into the AIDS epidemic, latino and black gay me continue to be disproportionately impacted. of course, this is because a myriad of reasons. but one major reason is stigma. how many of us have had a friend, family member or human say, “cool, you’re gay? i support you. don’t get AIDS.” this ultimately impacts how we experience sex. so some of us become secretive about how we fuck, who we fuck and when we fuck. so we begin to associate sex with secrecy and shame. this is dangerous because when someone us test positive for HIV, we often times feel like we have failed ourselves and our loved ones. they told us to “not get AIDS” and we didn’t even listen. we internalize this shame and it tricks us into believing that we are not good enough. so we hide. we say mean things to keep us in hiding. some of us even say to younger queens “don’t get AIDS.” so the shame and secrecy of AIDS becomes stigma. it takes love, support and an entirely new internal conversation with yourself to unlearn all of the terrible things were are taught. so much so that we sometimes do not have the energy to simply be “happy.” we are “simply” trying to sustain some kind of happy.

4. violence
yes, we have come a long way from where we once were. but for some of us, walking down the street puts us at risk for getting teased, taunted and attacked. hell, we can’t even sleep without the threat of someone pouring hot water over our bodies. shit is beyond real and while we may have been born this way, we live in a world that wishes that we weren’t. man, we live in a country that experiences those of us who are queer and undocumented as a “dangerous” combination. being prepared to defend ourselves at any given moment is hard and taxing. so much so that we sometimes do not have the energy to simply be “happy.” we are “simply” trying to stay out of harm’s way.

so yeah, that is our short list. while it is daunting this is what i know - we are magic. we are fuckin’ magical! happiness, much like self-esteem, is always in flux. some days are going to be easier than others. that is ok. not being able to be or feel “happy” does not mean we have failed. we are beating the odds every day. romanizing happiness alone will not make us happy. happiness found in those fleeting moments when you are with your good-good girlfriends laughing so hard that you piss on yourself. it is found when you are going to war and find that muthafuggahs got your back! it is found when we feel, know and believe that this world was made for us too.